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[15 Feb 2005|01:20am] |
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are any of you still interesting (i.e. wanting to do me) or should I keep not updating?
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[07 Jan 2005|12:52pm] |
Gale Harold sucks >:O
I am possibly never making a real update again*. Rejoice.
*as if I ever did
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[29 Dec 2004|11:48am] |
I need a New Year's Eve date someone apply QUICK
actually, I have three people in mind, but none of them would say anything sigh
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[28 Dec 2004|04:34pm] |
everyone is boring and none of my ex cast members are fucking and I have no direction in life sup I SAID SUP ANSWER ME
I did not get an ipod for christmas that is way more depressing than 50,000 dead tsunami people. I think gyllenhaha is behind it to spike sales of The Day After Tomorrow dvd which I have already bought just to watch and be like hey I totally hit that it's fun ok bye
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[18 Dec 2004|04:50pm] |
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so what's everyone up to and why aren't I in love yet
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[07 Dec 2004|04:55pm] |
Flipping through channels, I noticed I could order movies. So I scrolled through a few titles, seeing if anything would really grab my attention and wake me up this afternoon after having awoken what seemed like mere minutes ago. Then I noticed the old, animated Lion Witch and the Wardrobe was listed for the low low price of a dollar and ninety-five cents. So I splurged (considering my ever dwindling income) and started it to play. I don't know why I'm intrigued more and more by such things, with the claymation of a day or two ago, a theme seems to be presenting itself. There is one line, in a particular scene where allusions to Biblical events are all but explicit, when Aslan is marching to his execution- he says to the two sisters "Touch my mane so that I know you are here, and we will walk that way."
And this struck me as certain things seem to do at certain times, and I felt a mixture of both wanting to be touched and of never wanting to feel another human being for the rest of my life. I think we forget how much being there really means to others, and I think we fool ourselves into thinking it means nothing to us either. It's all good to say things are just for fun, and maybe there are people in this world strong enough to keep that as the truth next to their heart. I, though, am just a little bit weaker than that.
You know, I love myself. I don't need anyone else, and I never will. But want, want is something entirely different, and people are so stupid about it, I am so stupid about it. Because we'll get what we want before what we need and just generally fuck ourselves over. Want is way more powerful than need.
Once, back in school, we were studying the holocaust. During the discussion, we wandered upon other great tragedies or hardships of the human race- such as living through famines or in third world countries, etc. The question came up, "How and why do these people go on?" The answer we were given, with complacency and an unquestionable sort of easy confidence was that the will to live is the strongest human emotion. Somehow that stuck with me as fact for years and years until I realized that plenty of people jump off bridges or give up or self medicate to the point that life is really inconsequential. And I feel like I've gotten to that last part stunningly enough without any help of man-made or naturally-occuring mind altering devices of any sort.
Hawaii is great fun, but I've got to get on a plane and see my apartment again, because I've been out of my element for a little bit too long, I think. I need familiar things. Seann may or may not come visit me, I have been left unclear on such specifics. I'm also trying not to care, and it is actually getting pretty convincing. I might also run up to Toronto to visit my qaf buddies, or maybe one or two of them will decide to get their lazy asses up and come see me. The world is my oyster, opportunity lies in front of me like, well, a lot of opportunity.
or some such shit.
AND I FORGOT TO MENTION that last week Seann and I went to Graceland 2. I don't know if I'm supposed to mention it or not but I will at least say that we got commemorative spoons and I am hoping we get one in each state we eventually visit he is such a great bffl ok bye
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[04 Dec 2004|11:52pm] |
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Genesis- Invisible Touch |
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Today I watched one of those claymation Christmas movies. I'm not particularly sure why or anything, but I guess I was just lost in it. The animation sucked, and the story kind of did, too. It's like when you go to Disneyland as an adult and realize just how fucking crappy It's a Small World really is. But even though it's disgusting and trite and played out over generations, even though it's a fucking scrap of old tradition and old emotion- there's still something magical about it. And maybe that's just some indication that people are really honest and simple and caring at heart and that cynicism isn't really in our soul. Or maybe I was just having a slightly naive moment surrounded by a jaded world, and it all seemed far more meaningful than it really was.
But the point is that baby new year has big ears and is mocked and runs away from his home. Alright, that's not the point, but, to continue, he runs away to these islands where the old new years go. Each island is stuck in that same year for all of eternity. And I just wonder what that would be like, just how fucking great it would be to go on this way forever, really knowing how to live in the present because the present is perserved for all of eternity. And there were times in my life where I wish I could speed up time and moments in my life when I wish I could turn it all back to somewhere near the beginning. Right now, though, I love who I am. I may be self absorbed, and I may seem shallow. But I wish I could be in this stage of life forever.
I came out of a life of not really ever having emotion to kind of getting thrown around by it, and maybe I fell for the wrong person. I fully admit that, now. But it was fun, and still is. There are other people interested in me, though, and that's just fucking exciting. Cause you just wonder, is one of these gonna stick? Nothing, right now, seems quite as cool as that.
and I just would like to say that Gale, Randy, Matthew, and probably many others do not sign on nearly enough in the middle of the night >:o
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[03 Dec 2004|03:54pm] |
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wow, a reference to an anti-semitic joke from South Park can really piss people off
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[29 Nov 2004|10:18pm] |
so fucking and spooning is still fun even though it kind of seems like it has no point.
when I get back from Louisianna I am kidnapping Randy and forcing him to shack up in my tiny apartment for a yet undetermined amount of time. we might stalk Gale and get him out of the house or something. Old.
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[25 Nov 2004|03:17am] |
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Steve Winwood |
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Today I wasn't particularly enthused by the status of the world as I walked down the sidwalk, slab by slab. I have this habit from childhood where I try to take exactly two steps in each rectangle. I don't know why- I guess it just gives me order. And, I don't know if I just never noticed it in another city, but it seems pretty unique to me the way the sidewalk sparkles here, through all the trash, like the thousands upon thousands of crushed dreams that rested here, in each square inch, like Christmas ornaments waiting to be shattered by each of my steps. And it's a cold day, a kind of cold day, hell, I feel cold.
There's just something about the grid, the assurance that after this block, there is another one- the knowledge that there will be another building, another insane guy walking down the street yelling at no one in particular 'THEY GOT THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN- BUT THEY'RE NOT GETTING ME' and another chance at being completely anonymous in a world anonymous against a million stars, outnumbering the sparkles on the sidewalk I stumble down. And, before I know it, I'm at the end. I'm standing in Battery Park while a couple of teenagers in fishnets and lip piercings reinact a scene from Desperately Seeking Susan. I wanted to walk up to them, to shake them, to look in the eyes of each one of them and just scream 'Don't you get it?!' I don't even know to what I'd be referring, but maybe one of those kids would just know, and would suddenly get it. Maybe I'd get it then, too. Or maybe I'd just be glad that somebody knew what the fuck I meant, even if I didn't.
I used to have a crush on Marilyn Monroe when I was younger, which, I realized, was far too typical, so I let it go by the wayside. I don't even know in particular what it was that I liked, though I would explain it to you now. But I've so adeptly erased the idea from my mind that, well, it is totally erased, and all I see is a fragile blonde girl who fucked a president and probably really shouldn't have.
But at least she died. At least she didn't get old and marry her tenth husband with Michael Jackson as her maid of honor. At least it's over and there was no decline. Because everything that is ever beautiful will someday be ugly. Every feeling you've ever had that was true and strong will eventually be so strong that it perverts itself and any idea of that truth you once had immediately becomes a tangled mess of raw emotion, selfishness, and pride.
And, at this point, I'm walking back uptown, kind of pissed off that I reached the end, but already dreading the walk back. Because it's easy to keep walking, to push on, but the distance suddenly seems insurmountable when you turn around to go back home. But that's just the way it is. All in all, I made it about half a mile and then caught a cab. The driver didn't say a word to me, didn't look at me. I kept trying to catch his eyes, to say hello, to smile, to just fucking nod at least. Useless, though. When you actually want to be acknowledged for once, it's impossible.
I don't know who I am, you know. It's great fun, all of it, and I'm fine taking that at face value. You call me on a lot of lies or exaggerations and episodes of coyness, but this isn't any of that. I just want to know what the deal is, and I'll be fine whatever that may be. Of course, I'm probably making a way bigger deal about it than it really is.
Whatever happened to Linda Rondstadt?
I need to be in no_pants stat
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| why are there so many songs about rainbows? |
[23 Nov 2004|06:47pm] |
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so I guess I can update with what I've been up to. Hung out with Donnie Darko wtf, which is his new name, by the way. Cool guy. But Jake, hey, 80x80? wtf mate? really. We got a bite to eat and made fun of others and during the course of the couple of hours I threw a cheeseburger at a homeless guy's head and then he chased us up six city blocks. During the last three I was yelling "THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON" at the top of my lungs I think Donnie Darko wtf thought I was crazy.
In other news I think I'm going to expand my gay side. Seannnnn is going to teach me how to be totally gay. I figure you gotta learn from the best. But no, really, he's one of those people who makes you realize things about yourself, and you gotta like that sort of thing. When he is done with the candy bar we are going to hang out in the bayou again SPEAKING OF WHICH
do you people watch Trading Spouses? THEY SENT THE BAYOU WOMAN WHO COLLECTED ALLIGATOR HEADS TO THE VEGAN FAMILY AND SHE TRIED TO DISPENSE THEM AT THE VEGAN HOUSE PARTY IT WAS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN
THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOIN CRAZAYYY JUST HAVIN ONE OF THOSE DAYS YEAH DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THEN THERE WAS YOU THE STARS CAME OUT AND FILLED UP THE SKY THE MUSIC YOU WERE PLAYIN REALLY BLEW MY MIND
ALJDHF;SLF;KAJDFKSJF I AM GOOD AT THE GAY THING ALREADY
seannnn made me icons which means he loves me the most I win bye
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[19 Nov 2004|06:24pm] |
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FIRST, I TUNE YOU... THEN I STROKE YOU WITH MY BOW
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| fun times wink wink click click etc etc |
[17 Nov 2004|08:43pm] |
I would say something deep, but then I realized that's entirely uncharacteristic. So I'm dragging Seannnn to a strip club in the bayou instead cause that sounds way more fun.
And he's providing the singles cause, let's face it, he's way richer.
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| precious words are never spoken |
[15 Nov 2004|12:13am] |
The last great friend I had, well, the first great friend I ever had- I screwed it up. I'm not sure what happened, and I don't even care at this point because there's really no going back. Let's just say, someone beautiful and understanding, someone who put up with all my bullshit and put up with me when I was fucking distant and then when I was too fucking close, someone who got me, knew me, could look at me and know exactly how I felt even though I'd fucking deny it and try to hide it- that person isn't in my life anymore. And it hurts. It hurts even more that he's out there right now probably wondering if I even care that he's gone. And, in reality, I miss him so fucking much that I don't even know what to do with myself.
and I guess I've just fucked up. I came here, I guess, hoping to find a.. a replacement? I wanted fast friends. I wanted fulfillment. And I realize I ask too much of people I don't even know.
I'm just tired and want to fucking sleep. So I'm gonna go and say goodnight to the world and maybe see it again in twelve hours or so.
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[12 Nov 2004|10:51am] |
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people I want to fuck usually get this strange idea that I want them for anything other than that. Don't get me wrong, though, friends are cool.
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| kiss and tell |
[11 Nov 2004|12:53am] |
so, I made out with this really fucking hot chick. And, ya know, I like to stimulate people's minds and all, so I went to google and made a little picture puzzle, so see if you can figure it out:
click here
PS AVRIL WHY HAVEN'T WE DONE IT YET
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[10 Nov 2004|12:01pm] |
I've been locked away all morning, and I anticipate being here for the rest of the day. It's not without good reason- I've got a bed to make, dishes to wash, a seemingly never ending list of things to clean. Realistically, though, I won't get into any of that. I'll sit at my old typewriter and click away for a few minutes at a time. Today, as it is once in a while, it's not so much about writing anything brilliant or halfway brilliant or even coherent. It's just about the noise, the tick tick tick, which is really the whole reason why I bought the old thing in the first place.
I like it here. The artist, living away his year's earnings in a small studio in the big city. Here in Manhattan, venturing out on the streets trying to look with an eye full of anticipation, eagerness, begging every passerby for inspiration like the homeless guy a few yards down from me begs for change. Just give me some, a little, what you have to spare, just to get me through today. But today always lasts longer than you think it will, and, no matter how much you took in during the daylight, when it's night-time and you find yourself alone, you're hungry again. Your stomach growls. Your heart growls. Something deep in the pit of you makes itself known again and again with just a barely audible something or other that you only hear when you're about to drift to sleep, keeping you up night after night.
Maybe I'm just sensitive, though. Maybe I'm the princess and this is just the little pea. It's like there's something very small in me, some carnal sort of desire way down deep that I don't even recognize from day to day, but it wants to be bigger. And nothing is quite so scrappy, so determined as something ignored that no longer wants to be. Maybe I'm older, maybe it's a phase. Maybe I'm fooling myself, or maybe I'm just a fool.
I've psychoanalyzed myself enough to know who I really am, what I really feel. I'm not out of touch. I'm not in denial. I know what is and what isn't. I'd just rather not pay attention. But sometimes, in the eye of one of those passersby, the hot dog vendor, the guy on the subway, the new friend, you see something that scares you. And it's not necessarily scary because it's unexpected, or because it's all that wrong, but just because you can feel that strongly that quickly and you don't know whether to feel pathetic or crazy or just really, really naive.
a couple of days ago, I had dinner with Claire. All I can say is that she's one classy woman, and we made pretty fast friends. I'm sure we'll hang out again in the not too distant future.
And last night Marc came over. It was cool to just hang out with a cool guy and get fucked up and pass out. It's all very manly, isn't it. He made me cook him breakfast in the morning, though, that bastard.
but yeah, two new friendships in about as many days. That's the way life should be, I think. It's nice.
I need better icons.
aim: filippo ish
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[05 Nov 2004|03:04pm] |
So, for my own personal self analysis, am I an ass, or are these guys just uptight?
wow friended and unfriended that quickly. I guess I'm a pro at this already.
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[04 Nov 2004|11:59pm] |
I've had my share of bisexual experiences, starting when I was six fucking years old. I lost my virginity to my sixteen year old babysitter when I was 12. My best friend is in love with me and probably thinks I'm in love with him. Even though I'm not gay, I guess I would be in love with him before anybody else. Unfortunately for him, not for me, I can't love anyone. I tried. I wanted to. Now I simply do not care.
I was a full blown coke addict by the time I was fifteen. I quit by the time I was seventeen. I'd lived more of a life by then than most people do when they die.
I'm a completely awful person devoid of almost any concept of human decency. But I've been on television, so I'm still better than most people.
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